Wide Awake and All Alone

Today I just had an encounter with a debt collector and it was a stressful and traumatizing moment indeed. My hands are all shaking, my heart keeps on racing and my head is swirling. This is just my second time facing them up since June of last year - where the messenger was in a motorcycle, compared now that they were transported by a white van. Seems to me that they are bringing their big guns to really scare me off so I could be forced to pay them right away. They were even looking for my parents in order to involved them with my troubles. That's a sacred line that I would never allow for them to cross. My problems are my own -- so stay away from my family, especially to my old folks. So what's next? Calling up the barangay captain, the police? I have no means of clearing my debts with them at the moment as I am currently unemployed. Basically my ballooning debts are the reason why I resigned from my job, I worked hard for years and I failed to save anything. When I realized that my only purpose in life is deduced into paying those credit card bills, it got me all exhausted from almost everything. They made me lose my raison d'être, my life became pointless, trivial and simply without reason. The only resort to escape from all of this mess is by doing myself in, but I know that I can't do that because of my family, I know that it would cause them too much pain. I always have everything and I lead a very selfish existence. Heck, my suffering is my own doing so I am in no position to complain. Here is the glitch, I don't want to let my parents down, but if they discover about my financial problems it would break their hearts, surely in the same angle if I take my own life. Honestly, I really have no idea what to do any more. They would probably come back next week, in the next few days or probably next month, and by then they would have caught me offguard and the meaning of throwing in the towel would take shape in twos. So here I am venting to you my dear blog while listening to The Smiths. I am petrified, shaken and pushed to the ground. Kamisama, I am not a religious person per se, but please help me, I badly need you.

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