Ten years ago, I was in love with a friend. I knew him since I was eight years old. Long story short, I find no need to be telling you about the whole thing any more, because unlike with wine that gets better with time, my pathetic one-sided love affair has lost its appeal and has become uninteresting as it ages. By now, I find it rather dull and redundant like an overplayed cheap record. Sadly, it had finally succumb to its own death. One thing is for sure though, out of all the people in the world my picky heart chose to fall in love with him. In a way, I am thankful for him -- more than he'll ever know -- for all the good that had happened to me during those years.
Believe me, unrequited love is the worst form of love. Although it gives you the proof that you are actually human since it shows you that you're capable of loving someone, still, it eats and tears you up alive. I could say that because I have been there before. There is nothing fun about loving someone who doesn't and would not love you back. I'm in the fault here since I never made any real attempts to tell him my feelings for him. However, looking back at the past while staring at the present, I no longer harbor any grudge or pain, not even regret for the what ifs and what might have been. It's funny because when I think of him, I can not remember all the times that I have cried but only those moments when I was ridiculously happy. And yet, I do not think that they are that important, like I could throw those moments away and not feel sad (about it) unlike I used to. Maybe now I could proudly say, in a flick of a magic wand - zap - that the feeling is gone.
I am glad that we did not end up with each other. I liked the 'chill down the spine feeling' that I used to get from him but let's be honest here, I never did see myself or us having any real future together. This is not defense mechanism. It's the truth. I guess I was blinded by my youth and all my ideals and I placed him on a pedestal -- disregarding all the signs of our mutual incompatibility. First off, he likes girls who are younger than him, his wife is five years younger so that's a fact. He likes them placid, subservient and permissive -- my complete opposite. Second, if we were together, we would always argue; I would let him win all the time and not the other way around; so in short, I would never feel special. Third, I am not sexy; I don't have a goddess-like body....I am not good looking, period. We both love beautiful things. Maybe that's the reason I loved him. But one way or another the only direction it would lead us both is towards disillusionment and disappointment. And lastly, I do not think that I am in a position to deserve him. Not yet, not this time. Maybe in another life, when I'm French and he is Japanese. Right now, I am so messed up there is no way he should end up with someone like me.
Now he is married to a woman he deserves rightfully I am more than happy for him. I wish, for both our sake's, that we could still approach each other as friends. Despite of all my craziness.
For the life ahead. For new beginnings. God speed.
Image lifted from MsKTina Tumblr
