Replacing my inkless pen with a pencil and a sharpener…

How do I feel about writing? A line from a movie came off with this, “getting words from him is like pulling a piano off from a pond.” Well that’s exactly what I would say since I haven’t written anything in a very long time. Though I have diverted my attention to other forms of creative expression they still couldn’t amount the happiness I felt every time I write my thoughts down.

Yes, my last 2 years had simply became unproductive, mindless and boring. The pain of losing my written works is comparable to that of losing a child. I haven’t been pregnant (nor have any dreams of being one) but I could completely identify or express empathy to those women who had suffered from a miscarriage since I can measure up the whole process of writing to bearing a child – it is simply made up of hard work and love.

Then again, despite of this worthwhile experience I let this pain impede my ability to actualize my dreams. It did not serve as a tool or inspiration for me to beat the odds. Rather, it became my “Achilles heel” or my very own “Kryptonite.” It crippled me or shall I say, made me immobile. On the contrary, the anger and rage I stored up inside for almost 2 years made me grew tiresome. I was like an over erupted volcano worn-out from blowing my molten lavas. As I saw the lack of reason to this hatred I’ve finally decided to put an end to this self waged “war”, leave the battlefield, and go home without a hint or shed of animosity to the events that had wounded me.

This might sound like a cliché but the only way I could claim my freedom to grow is by allowing myself to let go of the pain I’ve held in the past. That’s why it is only befitting to title this entry as “replacing my inkless pen with a pencil and a sharpener” because it is about letting go of something that is already of no use.

My anger by now is a waste of energy; my complaining, a waste of time. Right now is a new beginning, a new notepad, a renewed reason for living.

A voice within tried to tell my heart that I should start sticking to doing things I know I could do no wrong like singing, or perhaps in activities that I’m passionate the most where I could see myself improving such as writing and taking photographs.

Promises are a silly thing to commit into. There are twist and tales, hidden plots, the workings of the subconscious, plans of the powers that be, lies and deceit, which one is which I don’t know. What I’m definitely sure is I’m not sure.

Hurt

I have no more fantasies of hearing any good news this week or by the end of the week.

What was happening to me is fated. If it is a question between remaining on this team or resignation, then I'll take the latter. Because I'll go mad (or will be driving myself into the brink of insanity) if I stayed there. All the signs and episodes of a major depressive has been manifesting in me already. If I continue working there I'll be locked in the shelter in no time. Just imagine, I've been crying and having emotional upheavals for over a week now. I haven't been this frequently depresed as compared to my earlier years.

Though some of my colleagues were saying that our boss was trying to fish me out from the puddle, I couldn't see the light or hope for it ever becoming feasible. Especially when there are mean, degrading people that has been hampering my movement since day one. Gosh! To fool myself that I'll be getting a free and easy exit pass from this team is wishful thinking. I could already fathom my boss apologizing to me, or my colleagues avoiding my text messages or saying sorry about me not getting the permission to transfer.

First of all, I'm just being logical here. They were already going through the training. How else could I catch up with that? Writing this entry is only a way to console myself in regards to that drastic possibility. At the present, there are no friends who could emphatize. I maybe stubborn or a sour grape for I don't listen to their suggestions (to move on and let go) but they will never understand the sentimentality or the hurt of being thrown out for no good reasons. Plus, I have to learn to cope again from isolation and get used to the idea that I'm back to zero.

I just started getting comfortable, working my niche work together then get busted in a snap. Well, that's too much to recuperate from for a borderline-dysthymic-and-melancholic type of person such as yours truly.

Writing, singing, listening to music, watching a movie and traveling are the only thing in this life I love doing. If I could get lost and never return to my reality that would be awesome! Maybe I should have been an actress. Why don't I contemplate on that? But acting has always been a picky business and I have a damn unattractive countenance to get qualified. The pantomime perhaps? My face would be covered up in white while my body is hugged in a tight jump suit. No one would recognize me in that get up. At least there I'll be living up to my name as 'the professional ghost'.

Just this afternoon, during my slumber, I have dreamt of seeing 2 couple having sex. The woman on top of the man (in a black and white image) and then seeing their genitalias on an up close shot, moving together, entwined. That's weird. Maybe I need to get laid, or perhaps my sexual inhibitions and frustration has prompted my brain to see them in my unconscious. For a crazy person, sometimes my id overwhelms my ego.

It seems lately that every step I take lead me one step closer to insanity. Like a string from my nerves is constantly being plucked out until I run into a complete stupor.

There She Goes

Can't believe that I've confessed my tendencies toward SI/SH to someone. Starting to regret that decision now. I'm such a blabber mouth.
I'm thinking of watching either Attack of the Clones, Revenge of the Sith or Empire Strikes Back when I get home. Now I miss Star Wars , I'm such a dork!
My depression has made me fall out of love again. I guess that's a good thing, since first of all, it is forbidden to like someone who is already committed. I've learned my lesson and I'm not going to cry over the same person ever again. But I cannot promise not to cry for being in love because it is just inevitable. Loving someone always equates the feeling of getting hurt. It's a contrast. But we learned more by developing through our pain or negatives.
I'm planning on printing some of my artsy fartsy photos I've taken before and will start compiling them in a portfolio. I'm just totally ecstatic to make it happen. Hopefully! So I'm crossing my fingers now. 
I'm also considering to join a mountaineering club. It might sound strange, given that I'm such an acrophobic klutz. But the best way to exorcise my fear of heights is to put myself into the test.
PS: I'm also pondering on a crusade for anti-noise pollution, mostly cause by vehicles. Since I'm now working in a company where fine hearing is a necessity. I have started to pay more attention on the importance of hearing and the debilitating effects of noise pollution. I've realized (in a deeper sense) what's in stake if we lost our sense of audition  - no music, no sound, no singing, no conversations and vice versa. That's totally sad don't you think?

Hopelessly Addicted / Helplessly Attracted

What's happening to me?

This sudden change has stirred confusion in me. That makes my hyperactive imagination to run non stop...with thoughts of a man, him, I wouldn't dare name.

His image bring smile to my face, and yet at the same time I am also urge by my old, guarded, cautious, guilt stricken self to erase such thoughts in my head, convincing me that what I'm feeling for this person is wrong.

I have become someone close to that Japanese anime character (Atsuko Chiba); I am slowly falling for someone who will never be the object of my desires. Surprisingly enough, I can't help but wish he would like me too. How strange, I should be hoping for the other way around, but no I want him to fall in love with me. Stupid girl! I shouldn't be taking this to heart but that's the last thing I had on my mind.

Maybe I'm attracted to him due to our differences. He is the complete opposite of me. He is fun, brimming with sense of humour, adventurous, smart, carefree, sociable, everything I hope but I could never be. Plus, he engages in debauchery and smoking (not good right) - the type of activity I would never step into, not in a million years.

Perhaps Freud's theory of Electra complex works true for me and my cousin. The latter, is currently dating some guy that is unconsciously similar to his father. And now this guy I'm talking about, he's just like dad. Maybe our father's serves as our yardstick in choosing our guy because they've been the constant, most powerful, influential male figure in our lives.

Oh no, this is all wrong. I'm not in love with him. And even if I were I should stop this once and for all before it gets too deep, before I get too attach, before I get hurt. We all know for sure that's exactly where I'm headed because I'm always bad luck when it come to relationship, most of all, love.

Sometimes being single can be too tiresome. Yup, I'm feeling that right now. Living with yourself, doing things by yourself can get trivial, too. The need to love and be love is human nature. Even if we pretend we could live without it we will fail to live up to our word and just wish, wait, wonder and hope not to be lonely no more. And just "oh god" lead us to that one person worth loving.

I don't know where this feeling I have now might lead to. He might disappear by choice one of these days. I'll probably get turned off, disappointed and rejected. Let's face the fact, maybe this was never meant to be.

How do you count the days?
Live through it with one wish that you won't wake up in the morning.
You can't even stand up from your bed.
All your desires and wants had vanished
The only thing within is to...
Put a stop to it.
Maybe that's what it means to live a hopeless, empty and lonely life.

Top Things True About Me That Most People Don't Know Or Don't Believe To Be True About Me

In Random Order:
1. I want to be a screenwriter/film director/cinematographer. Hindi lang "want", I need to be one talaga!

2. That I like fashion because I think of it as an art not the other way around. 


3. I love traveling. I can sit for hours and days in a vehicle without complaining because I like seeing new places. I love it when a journey never ends. So please...sana matupad na ang road tripping and backpacking days ko!


4. That I can survive the pressure of living alone or living in a foreign country as opposed to what my older cousin assumed since I'm used to solitary suffering and I prefer solitude. 


5. It's true that I'm afraid of heights but one of my biggest dreams is to climb Everest, Kilimanjaro, Banahaw, vice versa. That would happen if I've already found the 'one' and he's right there with me. Why? Because if I die right there at least I'm with someone I love. Awwww!!!

6. I hate confrontations, arguments and fights. I only say angry stuff to release my anger (or pent-up emotions), but I'll never fight someone who wronged me because I'm a coward and I don't take feuds very seriously. In short, I'm too forgiving.

7.  When I say I moved on believe it!

8. I have dysthymia for the past five years and I have symptoms of Asperger's disorder (or some other type of language learning disorder).

9. I'm a closet-hopeless romantic, but not in a mushy way like most girls.

10. I don't drink wine but I'm fascinated with its entire manufacturing process and those earthy looking vineyards in France, Barcelona, Santorini and Napa. That's why I want to live in a wine plantation.

11. Believe it or not, I'm not a lesbian.

12. I get attracted to men who are... intelligent (because I'm not), brimming with sense of humor (because I like to laugh and I'm not funny),confident (because I'm half-confident and half-insecure), creative and artistic (I adore the arts), well-informed (I like learning), good in math and science (that's a must because I'm dumb with numbers), likes to eat and cook foods (because I'm just the same), likes animals and cares for the environment (because I do), loves movies (because it's my life+soul and without it I'm nothing), loves music and can play a musical instrument (because it's my first love and I can't play one), loves to travel (because it's my number one passion), stands 179 cm or more (I'm short and I need to be with someone taller), financially well (because I'm impoverished), can swim and can ride a bicycle (because I can't), loves tennis, surfing and skateboarding (they are my favorite sports), a wide-reader (I like reading books). 
13. I cry like a fool (and can hardly stand it) whenever Roger Federer loses his game. 


14. If I could live somewhere it would be Paris, France because it is my favorite country and KC Concepcion has nothing to do with it. Goddamn!

15. I believe in a higher power but I don't consider myself religious.


16. I'm no longer addicted to TV. I only watch the telly for movies, news and some random shows, but I don't follow them faithfully anymore compared in the past.

17. I hate my neck region down to my collarbone area that's why I like wearing polo shirts.


18. The word 'courting' and 'dating' sounds offensive to me - I don't believe in such things.


19. My favorite Toblerone bar is dark sweet; it's the one with a darker packaging, and I hated the rest. 


20. Yes I'm a chubby-o! So what! I couldn't careless so stop minding my body and start looking at yours for a change.


21. It's difficult for me to compose inter-office memorandums.

22. Other people's mistakes and shortcomings is a no laughing matter to me because discrimination and racism really gets on my nerves.


23. I am lactose intolerant but I love cheese.

24. I hate my job but I couldn't resign because of my ongoing arrears and I'm no longer interested to work in the same field. If given the chance, I want to be a personal assistant to the celebrities so I could learn more about the business and it would open doors for me towards my true ambition, which bring us to number 1. So if any people from the entertainment industry is reading this please contact me ASAP!

25. You think you know things about me (that I'm probably a snob, a mean person, high and mighty, and vice versa), but you really have no idea because they're just a bunch of fictitious lies! What you see is just a sore case of mistaken identity - a defense mechanism thing. I'm scared of people; I'm afraid to get hurt and to be criticized for my follies so I try to avoid everyone as much as possible; it's not the other way around. So please, spare me your judgmental bullshits!

Terrible Case of Mistaken Identity

With all the Pinoy blog accounts on cyberspace that sprouted like mushrooms here and there, you'd often wonder: "What are we trying to get into? What message are we trying to send to the world?" Sometimes i thought, everyone were fascinated with KC Concepcion, her life in Paris, the oh-so-glamorous photos she took in Europe with her friends, her interesting travel adventures. It makes us want to have that kind of life, too. Where art is everywhere. Not an imposition, but a privilege for the entire human race. Everyone seems to want to follow that trend...I mean, kc's glamorous life. If you want affirmation, explore multiply and you'll know what i'm talking about. You know, that infamous "kooki blog." Hundreds and hundreds of blog with the same stories, same pictures, same rants, same gratitude.

Why pretend to be her? Why try to live the same life? Yeah...right, she's cool. If you have that much money then be free to indulge. But what's exciting by being somebody else? And if you're just an average middle-class filipino who can't even afford to buy the latest cellular phone while also struggling to make ends meet would you still believe in fantasy over reailty? Get real!

I was reading a journal entry a minute ago titled "I always wondered, now I know" from a visitor named kristinepheyre. It was actually a list of ten quirky things about herself. What surprises me, was the fact that I also shared some of her quirkiness. Honestly! To be elaborate they are nos. 1, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8 and 9. (to see what i'm talking about please visit this link: http://kristinepheyre.multiply.com/journal).

Just like Kristine, I want to disappear in Europe. Be away from all the people I know. My greatest dream was to be a screenwriter/photographer/filmmaker living in Paris, France or a bum getting lost or drown by all the inspiration from Europe. Please, it has nothing to do with KC. Goddamn it! I can't tell my friends or family about this because they assume I was dreaming hard to live like her. It's not always about her!!!

During the routine arguments that my mum and I used to have about my fucked up job she would ask me (with her usual angry tone) about my dream job. Unfortunately, before I can come up with an answer my fears would get the best of me. I've learn my lesson. A long time ago I've opened up to my parents about my ambitions. But the only thing I've received from them is discouragement. To cease further bouts of depression, I would tell myself that my dreams are too glamorous for us to afford, not practical, as they say, so I should work as hard as I could to achieve them with my own money. Whatever it takes. No matter how long it would take me.

I tend to be furious about those people (in particular, my friends) who has all the talent to be successful but has no interest of using it or would just settle for stupid jobs that never amount to being extraordinary. It's not about the money, because it's not always about the cash. They should know better that the skills god bestowed upon them must be put to use, must be shared, rather than be hidden in the dark.

Blessed Day In-Between Turmoil

What a day I've had!

First of all, thank you to everyone who has helped me retrieve my medium-sized envelope(Containing: a Multi-Purpose Loan Check amounting to 9,000 pesos, belonging to my officemate;  Liaison Officer's ID; Two Company ID's; Received Copy of Multi-Purpose Loan Transmittal Slip; And a membership transfer form). I don't know their names but I do appreciate their kindness for assisting me in my desperate hour of need and for not throwing that useless-looking envelope in the garbage bin. The drivers, conductors, etc...at De la Costa Bus Lines in Pacita Complex. The janitress and security guard in Pag-IBIG fund Makati Branch, Building 4 or 5 (?). THANK YOUVERYMUCH!

Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say

If the both of you agreed to be friends after you've decided to end your relationship...mean it! Resist the urge to cross the line because if you can't do this how do you expect to start your life on the right track. There are some people who after breaking up promises to remain good friends to each other, and still holds on to one another as if they were still romantically involved.

Maybe they were hung-up on the version of that person who loved them so they can't quite moved on. Some were in fact, still expects their "ex" to render the same effort or level of commitment to them as if nothing wrong had happened or as if no heart's were broken.

Two friends of mine who broke up last 2006 used to date each other for five years and have suffered from an ill-fated story. Their relationship went sour and ended up in tears and pity party for saying harsh things without thinking and some series of infidelity. Though they loved each other even after they broke up they've decided not to resume it in a relationship, or so I thought. But little we know they were still acting like a couple.

I called her up one day to invite her for a summer swim and I found out that she have decided to put an end to everything between them, even their so-called friendship. (duh?) I could sense a strain in her voice, it was almost like she was going to cry. Since the bloke is my friend too, I took the liberty to hear his story. According to him, (thegirl) demanded a lot from him. His absence was viewed as his lack of interest to make their relationship work. Wait a minute, this confuses me, because first of all, I thought they've decided to stay friends, but only on that level and not as though they were crazy jilted lovers trying to get the feeling again.

What they're doing to each other is terribly wrong. Why? Because they've said it before that what they have between them is over and done and that they are better off as friends. Once they've decided to keep their friendship they should leave it at that and not extend it with benefits.

Believe me, if there is someone who wants them to be together again it would be me. I cried and moaned for their break-up like a child of divorce. And now they're going through it once more I've had enough. They should grow up and stop acting childish. Us, their friends, are also affected by their on-and-off antics.

(Thegirl) expects too much and wants him to be the man she loved and hopes to love. Meanwhile, (theboy) is unaware of her ideas and acts nonchalant about it like any normal guy-friend. Since they're no longer together as a couple and have come to a mutual decision to remain friends, he no longer felt responsible to please her.

She told me two years ago that his lack of effort contributes to her falling out of love from him. But if he can't get it right before, why now? If it didn't happen while they're together I don't see it happening any time soon.

As I've said a while ago, I want them to be together. But at this time it would be advisable for them to be friends again first before rushing into a more serious commitment. Their painful breakup is still fresh in their memories. I wouldn't wonder if they throw blame or pin point each other for mistakes when they're in the middle of a fight because they haven't really started on a clean slate yet. I want them be really happy. I want them to enjoy each other's company without thinking all the disasters they went through out of anger. Though it cause wreckage to their relationship I want them to be able to make fun of it someday.

TO WHATEVER HIGHER POWER THERE IS, PLEASE HELP THEM I BEG YOU!

Musica, et. al.

Music, in no specific genre, act as soundtrack to our lives. Ever since I could remember, my passion for making compilation albums begun as soon as I've learned how to record songs from a radio station to a cassette tape. Those compiled albums I've created seems to have that, "music as inspired by..." quality. Like a movie soundtrack or a Princess Diana tribute album. In various occasions a music I've heard before or from somewhere lately that relates to a particular life-experience or probably contributes to my mood between being uninspired to inspired could land a spot to my list. In fact, a friend of mine could attest to my obsession for making compilation albums since I always give her one for no particular reasons.

I must say, the vast output of songs available from the Internet from signed and unsigned artists has allowed me to stretch my palatable taste in music, and has made my collection as larger than ever. To make the best compilation album, whether by CD burning or the old-school-mixed-tape, one needs to have some massive resources. It's an absolute necessity next to musicality and sense of timing. Today, all it takes to acquire them is by right clicking your mouse, a media player, a CD burner, or mp3 player. AMAZING!

But since there are so many to choose from to the point of becoming inundated, it makes the accessibility of the Internet difficult to deal with sometimes. I mean, we just wanted it ALL! The desire to download everything can limit the free spaces available in your PC. And don't forget those virus too, they just flock everywhere, ready and waiting to destroy your hard drive, so be extra careful and watch out for the pop-outs popping out of the blue.

I know that life experiences triggers or motivates us for inspiration but I find it rather insufficient without the help of any relatable music, film, or literary piece. Especially when I'm writing, it just wouldn't do without them. Loving others as a human being in the image and likeness of god is mandatory, but love in a romantic sense is another. For me, love can be found everywhere and can be attain in everything around us not only in significant human relationships. Gee, I think I sounded like a script from 'Into the Wild', but never mind.

I guess I wrote those lines because I'm really at my happiest when my activities has to do with the arts. I couldn't care less if my love life is zero. Though I'm not closing any doors or burning bridges when it comes to that, I just want more than what romance can offer. I'm not going to say anything more further before I start sounding offensive to all the married women out there. It's better to keep my mouth shut or my hands-off from the keyboard than get myself into trouble again because of this subject.

Gotta close this entry now before I dazed your mind with my randomness.

A la prochaine!

Back at One...Page One

Two days ago, my computer was in pretty good shape. I know it was functioning when I shut it down last Saturday. But then again, as the old saying goes, "nothing last forever; everything changes and yadda yadda yadda."

My reaction? There was no twitching of the nerves involve, I didn't panic about it, but I felt nothing for a while. It didn't last long though. The realization that the chances of losing my entire work, both professionally and personally in oblivion has made me apathetic for a few minutes. I finally burst into tears while talking to a friend of mine on the other line.

I was never a drug-user, nor a drug prone kind of person in fact, I have a repugnance for taking medicines even as a child. There I was, lacking in sensitivity, a feeling shared similarly to that of a lithium junkie. But I must say, I didn't get any relief from crying or moaning in front of somebody, I thought it was rather mediocre and insincere. The only time I felt like doing it was when I'm alone in my room or in the toilet where nobody could stand witness to my weakness. Though I cried that afternoon it felt nothing to me - it was just like a phony show where I have to put on a face and pretend I was okay.

Honest to blog, I'm totally ruined by this experience. For five years I live and breathe writing those journal entries and scripts and have dedicated my entire life for the sake of my dreams of becoming a writer and yet, all of it had gone to waste in the blink of an eye. Despite of the hardwork I've rendered and the emotional upheavals I've suffered somebody or someone has decided to get in the way and crash my already wounded heart to stop me from going any further by destroying my hard file.

Gone Too Soon: Remembering Brad Renfro 1982-2008

During my high school years my batch mates and I were fondly galvanize to young Hollywood stars of the 90s. There's our monthly collection of numerous teen magazines such as Teen Beat, Tiger Beat, BOP, BB and All Stars to our delight that made our pockets empty. We write letters to our favorite celebrities in our hopes to receive their autograph signed pic. In fact, I receved responses from Larisa Oleynik, Claire Danes, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Beverley Mitchell of 7th Heaven and the Spice Girls.

I never really had a classmate-crush thing during high school, I was in love with Taylor Hanson or to any cute teen celebrities and that's all there is to it. I remember then, everybody fancies Devon Sawa. Even my cousin would rewind repeatedly the part where he played the temporal version of Casper. However, some of us prefer Jonathan Taylor Thomas or Brad Renfro since Sawa's fanbase is too crowded already. But as they say, all good things must come to an end and so is our teenybopper ways. But still, I often wonder about them some time.

I was just watching E! News a few days ago and I discovered that Brad Renfro was found dead in LA on January 15, 2008. Reason of his death will follow after the release of his autopsy.

Renfro is famous for playing the rebellious and troubled teen in his past movies such as Sleepers, Apt Pupil and The Cure. But hist most notable role came from his first acting gig through the film rendition of John Grisham's The Client with Susan Sarandon and Tommy Lee Jones were he won the Hollywood Reporter's Young Star award. Although he suffered from substance abuse and some series of petty crimes at a young age and even went to court and jail for it you cannot dismiss his great body of work. He is undoubtedly talented and a cutting-edge actor among his contemporaries.

Surely, I would always remember him as Erik from The Cure -- a tough but warm-hearted fellow, a true friend despite of differences, someone who would carry you on his back and would go with you through the long miles and would watch after you in the hospital because you were stricken and dying with AIDS. Nowadays, his death made that film quite ironic to me since it was about dying young, only it wasn't the character he played.

I grew sadder by the minute after I discovered that he was in the middle of rekindling his acting career and he just completed filming the yet unreleased movie The Informers. Renfro is only 25 years old, gone too soon and a great lost to the entertainment industry. One thing is certain though, death comes for everyone. It has nothing to do with age, cultural background, religion, finances or even faith. We are all equal in death's eyes.

Farewell Brad, and may you find eternal repose and happiness with Him!

God Laughs

Much I've been reading about in journal entries from most bloggers in the world with regards to the new year's celebration was their being thankful for the past year and their new year's resolution for 2008.

This is something I cannot do for I'm half-hearted with what happened last year. Although there's a mix of joy and pleasure, 2007 was worst than ever...it suck! I'm also irreverent in writing my new year's resolution because I felt that when I want something and I swear on it by making a list the more they don't come true. They usually went from being possible to becoming not so feasible. Honestly, it crushes me to the bone.

What Jodie Foster said on The Brave One is true: when you love something everytime a bit of it goes you lose a piece of yourself.

I kinda feel that way. Most of the time. Well, maybe not the exact way she feels because my experience is completely different and it has nothing to do with losing a loved one over death. Mine is about my feelings over losing a time, a day, a month, a year and a chance to actualize my dreams. Everytime I see that happens a piece of me dissolves into thin air, and then a more sadder, cynical, complacent version of me emerges like a scar from a fresh, un-healed wound.

I've never been good in anything. I know I shouldn't complain. I know I must be thankful because I could eat more than three times a day, I have a comfortable place to sleep. I live in a house with cable TV, a PC with high-speed internet connection, a portable DVD player...and what else? I also have a cellular phone, iPod and digital camera. But I'm still so unsatisfied with my life. Maybe it's because I knew deep within me that my true desire is still yet unfulfilled.

I wouldn't deny the fact that I harbor a great amount of envy to those people who has traveled around the world. In fact, I envy those people whose parents drags them to a new country every holidays or in any given day and sees traveling as a priority and encourages their children to do it by themselves.

My parents were never interested with traveling. I hate that about them. My mother is so obsessive with staying at home all time. I hate it! Just because they were like that it doesn't mean that I'm also the same. It's so unfair that I'm being judge that way, too.

I also envy those people who has the ability or talent to become a writer but never putting their god-given talent to use, even letting it rot. I always say to myself, "if only I wasn't stricken with a language learning disorder, then probably my life is so much better."

I came to realize as well that I'm an agnostic. God is surely surrounding us, just like the devil himself, because they're obviously fu**ing with our lives. And as far as religion and spirituality is concern I don't believe in anything anymore. This life we have now is hell and if you've found happiness in the present then you might as well enjoy it because it's not going to get any better after you die. Who knows about life after death? Who can attest to it? N-O-N-E!

But at the end of day everybody expects you to be grateful and to say these words out loud, so I'm saying it now...thankyouverymuch!

Creo

Lately, I've been reading blog spaces, whether by a friend (Abbie), an intelligent host (Bianca Gonzales), and by some random people that just pop out of nowhere through search engines. Their shared thoughts, experiences, point-of-views and interests really inspires me to be more creative and to write more blog entries.

Words are really powerful. They can influence us to be more positive and help us to strive for our own dreams. If only I could read all the blogs in the world...hehehehe. If only I could accomplish all these dreams...I want to take more pictures. I want to travel. I want to finish my scripts. I want to learn a new language: French & Spanish. I want to paint. I want to help everybody. I want to be useful. I want to meet my idols. I want to sing everyday and master the art of playing the guitar. I want to learn to play the violin. I want to write a song. I want to become a filmmaker. I want to join a greenpeace boat. I want to sky-dive and bungee jump. I want to be more accepting because I know there's no such thing as satisfaction. I want my horizons to broaden up a little more. etcetera...

Never stop your desires. Always try your best even if the circumstance seems to go against you. What are you waiting for? Now is your time to move forward! Now is your time to CREATE.

What about you, what dreams would you like to accomplished someday? Please feel free to share your thoughts. Merci!

Shhh!!!!

I don't mind if nobody tell me their secrets. So what!!!
Would that information be a life altering experience for me to begin with? Would it make me a better person? Would it change my quality of life? I don't think so.
Actually, I prefer not to be confided with highly confidential secrets. When you were ask by a friend to keep one he or she is holding you responsible if the information leaks out one way or another. There is too much burden imposed on a person when you keep someone else's secrets. That's why it makes me wonder, are they really concerned about their friends to let them bear their own load? Because we know, they know -- a secret would always be out in the open -- and it's human nature to scratch for the itch. When you give someone your secret it becomes a burden to that person and the natural tendency for him or her is to confide it to someone just to lessen the weight he or she is carrying.
What I hate the most is when someone talks about something, but they would never tell you what it is and instead they would say, "it's a secret!" Screw you! I really hate it when they let you know there's a secret, but they refuse to give you the detail or the key to unlock it. In that case, then they shouldn't mention it in the first place because it's also the same with saying: "I cannot trust you, you're a blabber." So, if you're not interested to tell someone your secret then it's better if you don't say anything or if you just shut your mouth and keep it to yourself. That way, everybody's calm, peaceful and happy.

Over the Rainbow

As they say, as long as there is life there is hope. God has an odd way of testing our faith and making us a better person. Through our tribulations or trials, that can be so difficult at times or most of the time, that's where we learn and become better. It would taught us to be more stronger and wiser in our future decisions. Sometimes, we want to give up by ending our life...it happens to all. But taking our life doesn't end a thing but only suspends the pain for a very short while. I often times complain about my life...feeling everything has gone awry, but then again, I felt guilty for complaining because in a way, I'm still blessed despite of my misfortunes. I can see, I can talk, I can hear and I can walk and most of all I have the power of reason because I'm not mentally challenged. Maybe, I'm not the greatest human invention. Maybe, I'll never be special. But what's the use of complaining when at the end of the day, there is nothing to gain, only pain, suffering and hatred. The least I could do is to make use of the time that has been given to me. If fate is still against me, at least I'm confident with the knowing that I stand up to what I believe in and I kept on fighting for what I want. Don't give up...there will be a greater plan for you. Don't just moan over...do something. Don't ever wait for reward to happen or to be given because the more you wait for it the more it evade, thus making you more miserable.

May the force be with you!!!

Carpe Diem.

The Flight

Here is my life...
Even after what you’ve done
I want you to know I'll be alright
Rest assure, I wouldn’t bother you anymore
The pain you caused me
I’ve learn not to get near you once more

You’re the kind of man
Who can make the girls weak at the knees
I’m one of those girls
Hoping you’ll see the real me
But you fail miserably at that
Behind your gentle veneer
Lies a cruel heart

I know we’ll never speak again
You placed more distance between us
And the hurt you inflicted is beyond repair
I’ll never go back to what might have been
The pain weighs heavier now
Than the love I used to f
eel

I have mended
And so it ended
Free from you
To love myself more
So rest assure, I won’t be at your beck and call

TOP TEN THINGS I ENJOY THE MOST OUTSIDE OF MY USUAL PURSUIT

1. Long Travel 
2. Riding in the train and bus
3. Coming home late and staying up all night until dawn
4. Walking (except when I'm headed to work)
5. Great concern for the environment, compassion for animals, and interest for social causes.
6. Hopping around at the many erected buildings found in the bustling cities of Makati and Alabang, and exploring the historical edifices inside and outside of Manila.
7. Rain showers or rainy season (except for the frogs and enclosed jeeps that suffocates me to death)
8. Hang out at the park where I have tos it at the rich grasses, without a care in the world.
9. Dipping myself in the pool, falls or the beach. As long as the water and temperature is cold.
10. Learning and admiring beautiful and famous people and finding inspiration from them.

Kismet

Have you ever been a witness to God's divine intervention? I could say "yes" with an exclamation point. I have a friend who married her first love. Her name is Pam. She and her boyfriend (now husband) Jay-R were separated for a very long time, but somehow, fate manages to bring them back together for the second time. That's what I called true "destiny." They must have done something good to deserve such good karma. Sabi nga, love knows no time and boundaries. Kaya kahit you've been apart for too long you're love for each other withstands the past and bridge it to your present.

What amazes me is that I was able to see the purpose behind God's will through their love story. Distance enabled them to grow as mature individuals, and discovered what they strongly needed in their lives. They were separated by God to be prepared for the right time their love has reach its full bloom. Past relationships made them better and keener to the challenges that life has to offer. And it also allowed them to see the importance of one another. Knowledge to distinguish that he/she is finally the right "one."

Most recently, God bestowed Pam & Jay-R another blessing by the birth of their daughter Astrid - the fruit of their love.

I hope the same luck and happiness for everyone searching and hoping for true love. It is rare nowadays, but amidst of the turbulent changes and chaos happening all over the world I'm sure there is a silver lining at the end of the road for every one. Kumbaga nga, "love moves in mysterious ways," so just hold and be patient.

...and yet another dyornal entry for May 04, 2007

My first day as a French lingo student started officialy last evening around 2300.

"Le cours debutante," or the beginner's level is my current status. Honestly, it is pointless to measure my proficiency at the moment for I have no clue about the language, except for the greetings bonjour, and je vais bien. It went well, but completely frustrating.

The first lesson I studied was the "pouvoir et vouloir." The site has a corresponding audio book, too. While I read the page a guide teaches me about the correct pronunciation. It's neat, but I needed something more elementary.

Learning a foreign language is quite difficult. You will need plenty of patience here and I'm trying to teach myself that I have to focus on this if I really wanted to speak fluent Francais.

I also began to learn their alphabet and its proper pronunciation. Come after are the hellos, and greetings, introductions, goodbye's, and courtesy. Since, I'm a newcomer my goal is to swallow and digest hard what I have learn before moving to another level. You know, slowly but kind of surely. I used to take things as fast as I could. No doubt, I don't have long lasting success in them.